Today is Father’s Day – My promise to my child

Today is father’s day! It’s been three years that dad left me and moved on to his heavenly abode… Now, I am a father to a three month old. Whenever I carry Rishaan in my arms, hug him, play with him, each time that he smiles, I cannot help but remember and miss dad..

This father’s day, I make you a promise Rishaan,

I will not LABEL you.

Yes, you read that correct. I will not label my child, yet I’ll try to inculcate values in him that will make him what others call a ‘Good’ human being. The ‘good’ here is just one of the many labels that we as parents or elders bestow on our children.

I’ve seen parents and even teachers address children as “Good or Bad”. We associate these adjectives to every action of theirs to get our desired outcome i.e. “Good children eat food” which clearly tells the child that if you eat food, only then you are good, else you are not. In short, we as parents want and expect our children to be exactly what we want them to be and without a second thought, are quick and adept at slipping these labels out of our lips. 

This is also true because we grew up hearing this as well. Yes, most of us including me were labeled by our parents and elders in the family or teachers at school. But, do we realize the negative consequences of this ‘good baby -bad baby’ philosophy?

 In our efforts to embed good values and behaviors in our children, we forget how this would affect their thinking about themselves and others. For eg. It is frustrating when your child gets cranky and does not respond to you in the way you would have desired (or throwing tantrums). The parents usually may not understand what else to do. And here is where I as a parent would not want to slip. The slip is telling the child you are ‘bad’ or ‘stubborn’ etc. The child in turn may try to prove the label which is coming from a significant person and thus lives up to the label by behaving in that manner. 

Furthermore, they will start seeing themselves as bad and label themselves, based on one situation or behavior, thus developing negative view of self on the whole which will lead to low self-esteem or low confidence at one end or tuning in to a bully at the other. I realized this as I was talking to a 5 year old at a get together.  The little fellow was under pressure of having to showcase himself to be ‘good’ in all situations and specifically In the eyes of his mother. What I realized was that the child was not allowed to being his original self and was continuously weighed down by expectations of so called labels. He did not understand that making mistakes is acceptable. The shame of being labeled bad was so prominent in him that it led him to escaping responsibility for every problem he faced and was quick to blame his eco-system -friends, teachers or others for it. I fear that in his attempt to be a ‘good child’ he may fail to see his own short comings and will have an excuse for every situation or will blame other to get out of it leading him to become a “bad boy” in everyone’s eyes.

Children change and develop but unfortunately labels tend to stick. This can make it hard for children to leave behind negative reputations and start afresh.

How about getting away from good and bad. It’s hard to do as we are habitual of it and it’s been all around for a very long time. Change is difficult but necessary. What I feel and suggest here is that we should free our child of the label of ‘good’ or ‘bad’. We should highlight the good or the bad behavior as and when we see it. Eg. if your child is sitting and waiting patiently for you to finish your work before he is been taken to the park, rather than saying good boy, you should point out his good BEHAVIOR. When he knows waiting patiently is a GOOD BEHAVIOR he would be able to associate this behavior in other areas of his life as well. 

Ultimately the child needs to know and differentiate between a god behavior and a bad behavior. Asking children what they think of their current action and in what better way they could have dealt with the situation helps them to think maturely and is a great disciplining tool in comparison to punishment. 

The biggest disadvantage of labeling is that the kids learn to label others from the parents and society at large.  This needs to change and change fast. It will take a lot of practice as a parent to think differently and deal with the child in tough situations. In my opinion life would be simple and more peaceful without these labels of good or bad. It would be more mentally and spiritually healthy and each step towards our new thinking of ‘un-labeling’ would take us closer to accepting ourselves and our children as fallible and ultimately towards HAPPINESS. 

To all the fathers out there, this father’s day un-label your child and unleash their potential…

P.S. Image courtesy http://lilibeanphotography.com/miami-newborn-photographer/